i'm disguised +

[frosty ♥]

* spoilers

(One shot, first person, featuring Whitewing and Ashfur of ThunderClan.)

I laid in the warriors’ den, grooming my fur, my mind drifting from subjects. Beside me Birchfall was keeping guard, his brown tabby fur ruffled and disheveled. I tried to ask him to rest with me, but he refused and diligently sat, his fur spiking up at every small movement or rustle. I let out a light sigh and rested my head on my paws; my heart felt like it was stuck in my throat. I really wanted to be left alone, but Birchfall would be hurt and confused if I told him so, and with a heavy mind I kept my muzzle clamped shut. Besides, this being the warriors’ den, that would be strange to shoo him.

Anyways, I was thinking about another cat, I hated to admit.

“Whitewing, how are you? The kits?” Birchfall meowed, cocking his head to gaze down at me. I blinked up at him, momentarily confused. Why wouldn’t I be all right? Then I remembered the kits and I instantly half-smiled and ducked my head.

“We’re both fine, Birchfall. Honestly,” I teased, although my face said otherwise.

Birchfall’s expression melted into concern and he opened his maw to reply, but he stiffened suddenly and stood up, trotting away from me and to the entrance of the den. I prick of fear welled in my heart and I struggled to my paws, my belly bringing me down. I almost inwardly cursed the kits, and then at once shook the thought away, horror clinging to it.

They were my kits for StarClan’s sake!

Without thinking, I grunted as I hauled myself upward, my claws unsheathing to give my something to work with. How come I was so clumsy when the important things were happening? To my irritation, Birchfall immediately turned away and stalked to my side, supporting me with one shoulder. No! He shouldn’t be helping me! He should be in the clearing, defending, fighting… something other then this! I wasn’t a helpless kit!

I leaned away from him and resisted the retort I longed to make, and scrambled quickly through the brambles to see what the commotion was about. As I made my way through, I heard my uncle’s voice rise up in shock. “What…? What happened?” Thornclaw asked.

I froze, watching as Dustpelt, Graystripe, and Lionblaze padded through with a soaking grey-flecked pelt carried between them. I felt my fur rise up when they placed him onto the ground, and the neck lolled despairingly toward my direction. Deep blue eyes were open, yet they hold no emotion… emptiness. Nothing. I began to hyperventilate, my claws scored the ground, and then I tipped my head back and let out a wail.

The Clan flinched.

Everyone stopped and turned to look at me, but it was all a blur. Ashfur was dead! Dead! Memories began to quickly splash through my mind like a flood. I remember watching him from afar when he with Squirrelflight, I remember our first sharing tongues moment with Jayfeather, and now… now it didn’t matter anymore! He was gone. Why did I have to wait so late? Why did I never tell him how I actually felt? How I still feel now? My heart ached and I stumbled forward, and the brush of brown fur slipped out behind me and pressed against my flank. I hardly felt it, and I wished I couldn’t hear him.

When I caught my breath, I threw a question, “Did a fox get him?” I cried.

Lionblaze turned around to look at me, his expression a mixture of things, nothing I could pick apart separately. Ashfur was his dearest mentor after all. He shook his head, “We found him in the stream on the WindClan border. It looks as if he drowned.”

I felt my insides lurch and I shuddered involuntarily, “That’s dreadful,” I managed to choke out, even I could hear the pain and horror in my voice.

Birchfall pressed his muzzle reassuringly against mine, I nearly pulled away with a cry, but shock held me still, “You mustn’t upset yourself,” He murmured, “Think of the kits.”

That’s all he ever cared about now. It was never truly I, ever since Leafpool informed me I had kits, it was always about them. I loved our kits, too, but why couldn’t he share sympathy with my loss? Was it a distraction? A ploy? Sucking in a sharp breath, I managed a slight nod, before padding closer to Ashfur’s wet body. Not to my surprise, he didn’t follow me until I had taken a few steps ahead, and then trailed along like a lost kit.

I swallowed another wail and settled down beside Ashfur, pressing my nose into his cold, wet fur. I nearly pulled away with a mew of anguish. This wasn’t how he was supposed to smell like! His scent was there, very faintly, but it was smothered by the stench of death. The water streamed off of his fur and made my muzzle damp, but I didn’t care. I pressed into him even more when discussion began to ring around me, the crowded cats chatting about WindClan and the rest of the Gathering patrol.

That didn’t matter, didn’t they know? They should be grieving for Ashfur.

I nearly flung myself around and curled my lip at Birchfall as he took a spot beside me, and I almost regretted it. Almost considering he just crouched there and was protecting me—no, the kits. I loved him, I really did. Right now, I just didn’t want him and since Ashfur was dead, I’d just have to continue to try to love him as strongly as I had before. My thoughts wondered numbly as I remembered back when I was just carelessly flirting with him, although I knew very well I just saw him as a younger brother.

Apparently he didn’t see me as his older sister… apparently he wanted more than that.

He thought I was being realistic and stalked the movements, and I fell in that easily breakable love with him, though part of my heart always belong to Ashfur… Wonderful Ashfur. Before I could even break away and quit the little false love, Birchfall trapped me with asking me to be his mate. I couldn’t refuse him, which would be so cruel… so like Squirrelflight. I had then swallowed my doubts and assented, connecting us forever.

At the memories, I let out an inaudible mrrow, muffled do to the tomcat’s fur.

“He was a good mentor,” Birchfall added sorrowfully, “I’ll miss him.”

At least he cared, I supposed. He didn’t just start ranting like the rest of ThunderClan had, all of them immediately flinging in WindClan. What did they have to do with it? Surely everyone would rather have peace than accusations? But another part of me mewled in protest, what if it really was WindClan’s fault that Ashfur was dead? Before I could even continue my strained thoughts, I received a gentle kick in my belly.

It’s okay little kits, I thought, closing my eyes and blocking out everyone.

I gently nuzzled Ashfur’s side, wishing him a soft farewell… And with a bit of hesitation, I began my confession. I told him of my love through my thoughts and hoped he would understand that I dreamed of him just as he had Squirrelflight. I love you, Ashfur. I’m so sorry I never told you sooner… I really, truly love you.

I felt the lump rise in my throat and I stifled the vocal grieving I desired to make, to lift my head and scream that it wasn’t fair—that I needed a do-over with my life. No one will ever suspect anything, I told myself, they would think that you’ve moved on after a few moons. I shut my eyes tighter and rested my forehead on Ashfur. Although you are dead, my blood went cold; I always and forever will love you. Forgive me.

And then my eyes fluttered open and I drifted into a peaceful state; they needed to see I wasn’t going to sleep, that I was going to keep a proper vigil for my dearest love.

I wasn’t going to surrender that easily. I still had my disguise.

[frosty ♥]

WHITE FLAG

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of it's over
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet, which I'm sure we will
All that was there will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

song (c) dido

[frosty ♥]

* spoilers ?

A lot of people are secretly hoping that Ashfur is the real father of Whitewing's kits-- seeing as Birchfall doesn't look like either of them. I hope the theory/rumor is true! That would be wonderful!

Also, they say that Dovekit is Dove's Wing from the ancient times.

- frosty ♥